


Barely Holding On

by Story_teller_76



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hand Jobs, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Jared Padalecki/Genevieve Cortese, Minor Jensen Ackles/Danneel Harris, Public Blow Jobs, non danneel positive, non genevieve positive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2018-12-21 12:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11944092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Story_teller_76/pseuds/Story_teller_76
Summary: That video was the both the best and worst bad idea ever, and both hated its deletion. Jared doesn't deal very well, Jensen is scared.The public deletion was bad enough, the videos, tweets, pics and PR damage control was taking its toll on both Jared and Jensen. People doesn't understand and will never know what it's like to love Jared Padalecki, not the way Jensen Ackles loves him. A one shot story of Jensen bring Jared back from another bout of self hatred. Jensen has an idea.... Noone is going to make them delete the personal one Jensen has kept from everyone.





	1. Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of FICTION. Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are very real. This story is my lil headcanon. Work is not beta'd. Any spelling errors, any grammar flubs, and basically any mistake found in this story of of my own accord. This story doesn't post the wives in a positive light...Take a ride this story will span two to three chapters. Depending on where the story takes me. I won't be shamed for the non wives positivity. It's not long, but long enough.

"Jared, what are you doing?" Jensen says as he opens the door to the trailer. At first glance it seems to be an empty trailer. "Jay?" He asks softer, silence replies to him. Jensen makes his way into their trailer they share. "Where are you?" Jensen asks while searching for his boy, a little worried. Jensen knew that this past weekend took a huge toll on Jared. Jared seemed to pulling into himself more and more since Friday night. The weather wasn't helping. Both Jensen and Jared made calls to the kids to hear their voices, and for the babies, hearing their excited gurgles. A small smile crosses his lips thinking of all of those kids, each a miracle that pulls at a part of Jensen he never knew he had. He wouldn't change a thing about any of them. 

 

 

Jensen didn't like the feeling he was getting as he continued to look for Jared only to to be met with silence and no Jared. Jensen moved to the door and yelled out to a group of set guys, "Hey, any of you guys seen Jared? Know where he might have gone?" Jensen asked, trying not to sound anxious or scared. All four of the guys said that the last time they saw Jared was at breakfast break. Jensen knew that once Jared got into one of his funks, it wasn't good to let him stew in those feelings. He knew that Jared would think that he was to blame for things that happened. Even those that he had no control over. Self doubt, worrisome questioning, and thinking he wasn't good enough, all ran through Jared's mind when his depression got the best of him. Jensen went back inside the trailer and decided to try Jared's cellphone. Jensen felt his pockets for it, and finding it in his rear pocket. Not wanting to waste another moment of time, Jensen dialed Jared number, biting on his bottom lip as his own anxiety started ramping up. His anxiety didn't waver as Jared's phone went straight to voicemail. "SHIT!" He swore, and banging his phone on his forehead, trying to piece together his morning and the last time he saw his lover. "Please Jare, where the fuck are you?" Jensen pleaded to himself. 

 

 

Jensen turns around with one last look in the trailer, and how he missed it he would never know, Jensen finds Jared's cellphone on the leather couch. Jensen picked it up and found several missed calls and a handful of texts on the phone's screen. He saw his missed call, and he saw that Gen texted him several times. Knowing that this is not going to be as easy as he first thought it was, he dialed another number, even though he really didn't want to. "Hello?" 

 

 

"Danneel, I know we have a lot going on; with the storm, flooding, and our problems, but, I know that Gen is with you and the kids, where is she?" Jensen asked, a little more insistently than he would have liked. 

 

 

"Jensen, what is going on?" Danneel answered.

 

 

"Really? You and the kids are in her house for the storm, and you ask me that? I need to talk to her. I really need to talk to her." Jensen hears Danneel exhale, followed by a long silence that he thought that either the phone lost the signal, or that she hung up on him. "Jensen, listen, I dont know whats going on, but apparently that little video didnt go over so well. Even thought it's been deleted, people have saved it, and its all over the internet. Shes been on and off the phone all morning. Ive been going nuts with all the kids."

 

 

"Danneel what more can we do, we have been doing the tweets, if we could get to Texas, we would. Not being able to get home has really sucked." Jensen explained. 

 

 

"Guess what? Then maybe the two of you should have not gone to the fucking convention! You stayed at work throughout Friday. Whats wrong now? Somebody all boohooing at the moment?" Danneel bit back.

 

 

"Back off Danneel, be real fucking careful what you say from here on out in this conversation. You arent going to tell me you didn't know what you signed up for. You dont seem to remember that I pulled BOTH you and your leech brother out of bankruptcy. You BOTH dont have any fucking problems spending my money do you? So I'm going to ask you again, where is Gen. Put her on the phone." Jensen spat. Jensen heard a huff and muffled voices. After a few moments he hurt the phone being handed over.

 

 

"What do you want Jensen?" Gen asked very curtly.

 

 

"Have you spoken to Jared? And before you say no, I'm talking about before the phone calls and texts went unanswered."

 

 

"Yes, I did, and whats it to you? Oh yeah I forgot, you and him had a great weekend while Danneel and I are here taking care of our....." Gen began, but was cut off by a pissed off Jensen, who seemingly was getting more and more upset as each word is spoken into his ear. When she started in on saying taking care of the kids, he needed to cut her off. She was not going to finish that sentence.

 

 

"You mean your nannies that take care of your kids. Danneel does take care of our kids. Your problem is right now you cant send the kids off on someone else." Jensen growled at her. "Now, what the hell did you say to him. No one has seen him in an hour. I usually get a text if hes gonna head out." Jensen continued.

 

 

"That's right, you are the amazing Jensen Ackles who cant do any wrong, the guy who has it all and keeps taking. Takes a father from his family. Jared does everything you tell him to do like a good puppy huh?" Gen continues to spit out her answers angrily.

 

 

"Well I have to, knowing that he has to be tied to you in the public eye, I have to keep him believing that there are actually people in this world who loves him for him. Not what he can do for them. Not for what he can buy them. I remind him that he is human, I remind him that though certain decisions arent always the right ones, I will always be there. I remind him that there is someone other than his kids that love him without conditions. I can make love to him, I can make him feel good, I always do when sliding into him. We have, no I have what he needs, so tell me Gen, can you say that?" Jensen gloated, a smug grin sliding across his face, a smug grin so wide it can be heard as he spoke to Gen. He also knew that he crossed a line, but, at this moment, he cant worry or care about that right now.

 

 

"How fucking dare you Jensen! Gen cried into the phone, I could bury you and Jared..."

 

 

"And kiss your blog, your sponsors on Instagram, any possible future roles, along with Jared's fans. You have no idea how far my reach is. I know people in places you'd never expect. Did you forget everything youve done over the years? What things I have locked away? So, Gen, you were saying??? You wanna play? Fine, let's play. You might wanna take your fucking head out of your ass and put your husband needs in front of your own. Enough of this fucking bullshit, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO JARED!!?? He NEVER leaves without his phone unless he's upset. I know you were the one that pushed and pushed until he couldnt deal."

 

 

Jensen heard the resignation in Gen's voice, knowing he had her listening. "I want him to stop doing that stupid shit with the videos. You have no idea what people are saying about him. Even you. People were saying that Jared forced you to make that video. Got you drunk so you could look like an idiot. How is it you do things and Jared is blamed for it?"

 

 

"Why in the world would you say something like to him? He takes that shit personally. I dont let what jealous people say bother me. You figured you would make him feel worse because he's not in Austin. Do you know that he was torn up real bad about doing the con with everything going on? He missed Tom's first day of Kindergarten. To keep everybody happy, he figured the best place for him to be was working. You realize after, still only thinking of yourself. Stop trying to claim victim here. You knew what you signed up for. Did he say anything that would indicate where he was gonna go? ANYTHING AT ALL?"

 

 

"Not really, I mean he said that he didnt want to talk anymore and was clearing his head before getting back to work. He asked me for the date, I wondered why and asked. He said that Id never understand the power of certain days in his life. Then he hung up on me." Gen responded with a hint of disgust in her voice. Just before the call ended, Gen says one last thing, why do you always win? I hate you." After that, the line went dead. 

 

 

"It's not about winning." Jensen says back to noone. Thinking hard to what is important about dates. Today wasn't their anniversary, wasn't a big episode number, none of the kids birthdays, and Jensen tried to remember what it might be to help him find Jared. Jensen was at a loss and he didn't want to waste anymore time. He silently apologized to Jared for going through his phone. He opened the lock screen and smiled. It was the latest pic of him, Jared, and all six kids, huddled together trying to all fit in the picture. Jared and himself pushed together and there was no room between them. When they were together, they were still to far apart from each other. The need of at least touching each other almost as if by instinct. Jensen smiled to himself thinking back to when the picture was taken. Jensen open Jared's phone to his text messages. Whispering to no one, and praying to anyone, "I am so sorry, but you leave me not much choice here. I gotta find ya sweetheart. Just let me find you." Jensen pleaded. 

 

 

Jensen began to read through the messages, his heart sinking as he made his way further through that bitch of a wife Gen's messages. 

 

 

_Why why must you hurt him so much you sick sadistic bitch. He's never been dishonest about his feelings or what he was doing. What type of person does these types of things to people?_ "The type of person with everything to lose." Jensen muttered. He looked back to his last texts to Jared and Jared's responses. Again, a smile made its way to Jensen's lips, but it was bittersweet. He remembers typing it to him with such love, such unbelievable love, it tugged at his insides.  _'So much has happened, between us, so much time, but I remember and hold our first date as such a staple that holds me together.'_ Jensen knew where to go, or at least he would start there. Jensen grabbed his keys, put his phone in his pocket, and went out to get the love of his life back. He'd take anyone's head off that tried to stop him. Jensen was just walking up to his car when he heard someone say, "You're needed in wardrobe and then we are settling in to start filming."

* * *

 

* * *

 

 

 

 


	2. Polished, again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen continues to look for Jared and not lose his cool at people at the studio. Doing both along with nonstop phone calls from everyone except Jared, keeping his cool is a lot harder than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, not a wives positive chapter. I won't be shamed because of how I portrayed the wives. If you can get passed that, you'll find the chapter to be quite a surprise.

_Are you fucking serious right now? I finally have an idea of where he is! Leave me the fuck alone!_

 

"Jensen? Jensen, ummm who are you talking about? You're needed on set, so is Jared, is he in the bathroom?" A voice brought him to the realization that he had spoken out loud. 

 

 

"Do you fucking see Jared? I'm not coming to set. Jared's not here and I have to find him." Jensen growled. Jensen was trying not to let the comment from the assistant get to him. If set people haven't seen him, then he's gone off set, and Jensen feels his stomach turn and starting to twist in knots. 

 

 

"Jensen, please, I'm not sure what's going on here...." the assistant starts but is cut off by the wrath of a screaming Jensen. 

 

 

"WHAT PART OF IM NOT COMING DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND. ANY FILMING RIGHT NOW ISNT HAPPENING. BOTH OF US ARE NEEDED AND YOU SAW JARED'S NOT HERE. NOW GO, GET OUT, IM LEAVING!!!" Jensen watches the assistant tear up, and if it were anything else or about anyone else, he'd feel bad. He'd quickly apologize, but Jensen can't find it to say or do anything more than watching her run away. He had to find Jared. That wasn't optional, he had to find him. 

 

 

Jensen starts running for his car, gets ready to open it when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Balling his fist he swings blindly at whoever it is without seeing who it is first. "Don't fucking touch me!!" Jensen roared, turning to see who he hit. At first he didn't see anything or anyone in front of him. When he heard the grunt, he looked down to find Cliff holding holding the side of his face. Even if Jensen wanted to feel bad he didn't. Jensen watched feeling detached as Cliff got up from the ground. "What.Do.You.Want?" Jensen questioned.

 

 

"Jensen, what the hell! You know you can't go leaving set like that, I have to take you where you have to go." Cliff tried reasoning to him. 

 

 

"Actually, no you don't. You are not coming with me where I'm going. I'm leaving, that's final, and, I'm going by myself." 

 

 

"I understand you need to be alone, but after that stunt with the video, they are being real careful what you guys are doing. Especially during the time here at the studio."

 

 

"I don't care who you tell, what you say, but you will not be coming with me. I'm going off by myself. I'm not a child, I am a person who needs to do something ALONE. Do they want Jared back here or not? If people start looking for Jared, it's not a good idea. I'm the only one that he will talk to, and even you know this is true." Jensen stated moving back to get in his car. 

 

 

"I don't have much of a choice, it's my job." Cliff responded. 

 

 

Jensen had some pent up anger at their driver sometimes bodyguard. He wanted so much to hit Cliff some more, but he knows that Jared needs him more. That and that alone is why he won't take this further. But he let his disgust be heard in his voice. 

 

 

"That is what it is to you a job that keeps the money coming in, well I don't give a shit. You will not follow me. Don't try, or I will make sure that video I have makes it to people on the outside." Jensen says matter of factly. Jensen notices the change in Cliff's demeanor and knows he won't have anymore trouble. "Tell them whatever you want, no one, I repeat, no one is stopping me from leaving here." Jensen says as he walks away. Feeling his pockets he feels for his keys, locating them. Jensen doesn't even look back, after pulling his car out from its parking space. He has one thing on his mind, one place he can go. Speeding away from the studio, some of the fear inside him settles, but he's still fearful of what he will find, and even more scared of what he may not find once he gets where he's going. 

 

 

 _Please be alright. Why the hell didn't you come find me or call me Jare? I can't do this without you._ Jensen shakes his head and won't think of that time a couple of years back when he almost lost the best thing in his life. His kids will always always have this place inside Jensen, but he knows that it is Jared that keeps him looking forward to upcoming days, upcoming filming, everything. Jared open Jensen up to be able to enjoy things Jensen wouldn't have even thought of. 

 

 

Jensen wanted to speed where he was going, but didn't because he doesn't need anything else hindering him getting to his boy. After what seemed like forever, Jensen pulls in to the place that holds a very very special place in his heart.  **STANLEY PARK** sign greets him, and rolls behind him as he drives further into the park. Looking around while slowly coasting in the car, Jensen looks for Jared with hope and blinding fear, almost trying to will Jared into his sights. Knowing where the creek is, Jensen pulls the car into a parking spot, turns off the ignition, and begins the slight downhill walk. Each step echoes in his ears. His thoughts turning on him,  _it's too quiet here, please be here, Jared, please please be here. I'm begging here._  

 

 

Jensen makes his way down the last 20 meters or so, and stops. Straight ahead, like his prayer answered; with his beanie covering his eyes, Jared sits. Jared has his head down, not really seeing or hearing anything going on. The almost serene picture in front of Jensen stops everything. It almost feels like anything going on around the two of them is now moving in slow motion, that Jensen can't get to Jared fast enough. 

 

 

Jensen wonders why Jared hasn't moved or hasn't heard him coming up. When Jensen kneels down, Jared isn't focusing on anything. It's as if anything Jared checked out. Jensen speaks, though hoarsely. "Jared, Jare. Babe." Jensen places his hands on Jared's, which are cold, but trembling asking, "Jared, its Jensen, you ok?" 

 

 

Jensen thought he had seen some of the most heartbreaking things throughout his life, but nothing could prepare him for the look he saw in Jared's face. Jared slowly lifted his face, eyes seeing and not seeing, bloodshot, and lost. Jensen took in Jared's tear ridden cheeks, and wanted to cry himself. Part of Jensen was relieved because Jared responded to him, but how Jared looked, scared Jensen. Jared spoke to him with one chilling word. Jared's voice, asking, "Why?"

* * *

 


	3. Lost in the Echoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is a work of fiction, Jared and Jensen are their own people. This writing is of my own warped mind, and done solely for entertainment purposes. No money was made in producing this. Nor will any money change hands. The joys of fan fiction. Enjoy!

Jensen in his lifetime, heard so many people speak, he had acted on film and knew how to make the audience feel his anguish. Nothing he had ever done could have prepared him for that heart wrenching, gut wringing, plea in Jared's voice. Any and all walls, barriers, and means to stay strong that Jensen knew, came crashing down. Grabbing Jared's face, Jensen's thumbs stroke Jared's high cheekbones, Jensen's eyes filled up with tears, and Jensen let them fall. He whispered to Jared telling him of how he loves him, will always love him, and asked what he could do to make it better. "Jared, please tell me. What is it?" It was barely a whisper but Jared heard it, and he resumed crying. "Jensen, how can I tell you? How can I ask you, it's....it's....it's, I want so much more and I can't have it. I can't have what everyone else gets without a worry about who's watching." I want us Jensen, I want the hand holding, I want the kissing where everyone can see, I want to be able to....to..." Jared hiccuped through his words, but wouldn't continue. Jensen waited, watching Jared, and it was like all the fight just vanished. Jensen tried prompting Jared to continue, but also knew that if he pushed too hard, Jared would shut down completely. Jensen tried one last time, his hands still cradling Jared's face, Jensen moved so his lips were at his ear and whispered, "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Please don't shut me out. I can't help get things right if you shut me out. Please Jared, please don't do that. There is plenty I can take. You shutting me out isn't one of them. I almost lost you I hated not being near you when you needed me the most. There's nothing worse than knowing I couldn't help you." Jensen's voice cracked and his breathing hitched speaking the last of his words. He needed to feel Jared, so he placed a feather's kiss on Jared sweat and tear soaked ear. It was perfect. It helped to calm down, even if it was only a fraction of what he wanted.  

 

Jared didn't want to seem weak, hated how small it made him feel. He still didn't understand what a man like Jensen Ackles ever saw in him. Jared heard everything Jensen said to him, and it twisted him so much. Jared tried to get out of Jensen's hold, and to get away from him. Jensen can't see him like this, like a sniveling child. Jared hated himself so much at this moment. Jensen saw that Jared wasn't calming down. Jensen tried reaching for his face again, but Jared twisted and moved his face away from Jensen's touch. "Let me go, I can't, just let me go Jensen. I cant do this with you here right now."

 

"Jared, what can't you do right now? What are you talking about? I cant help you if you keep shutting me out. I'm not going anywhere." Jensen sighed. He ran his hand through his hair, the strands falling into place without any effort. Jared chuckled on the inside. How Jensen could just make his hair do what he wanted every single time he did that remained a mystery to Jared. Another gorgeous thing about Mr. Jensen Ackles. What Jensen said next seemed to throw ice cold water over everything. Jensen sighed before continuing,  "What I don't understand is after all you have been through you didn't feel that talking to me could have prevented you sinking this far down...." Jensen tried to continue, but froze where he was when Jared's head snapped up, and the look Jared gave him left him speechless. Jared stopped crying, but anger only replaced his sadness. Jared was done, completely over trying to protect people's feelings right now. Jared wasn't staying silent any longer. "You asshole! How dare you! I saw how fucking relieved you were that our video, the real video didn't make it online, I saw how you had gotten up this morning thinking your life was over, like I was the biggest mistake of your life. Or did you forget 2010?? The day you married Danneel. You had that same look. How do you think it makes me feel? Knowing that I was the reason your life was over? I see people and how everyone else can be so open with you. I'm your dirty little secret." Jared whispered the last sentence. Its weight draining any fight he had left in him. Jared started to cry again, and just as uncontrollably. "I know what I signed up for. I know that we cant be public. We talked about that video before you decided to post on Instagram. YOU DECIDED THAT JENSEN!! And to think I will never be good enough to be at your side. To be at your side as an equal." As if the wind in Jared's sails stopped blowing and deflated, that how Jared felt. Deflated and defeated. Jared really didn't want to taint the beautiful memories he had here, but Jensen was making Jared more and more angry just standing there with his mouth hanging open. If it had been any other day, Jared would have cracked a joke at Jensen. About being about to stick something into his open mouth. He just did not have it in him today. What he wanted was to punch Jensen in the mouth. He wouldn't though, again, he would not tarnish the beautiful memories he has of this place. Jared buried the thoughts down. Yet, only emotion he couldn't push down, no matter how hard he tried, was despair.  

 

"Jared, stop saying things like this..." Jensen pleads. Before Jensen can continue, Jared interrupts him and says, resignation tripping from every word, "Jensen, I'm so tired right now." Another bout of tears racks Jared's body. "Jensen, I'm not asking again, leave. me. the. fuck. alone. Just leave. I wont have my memories of this place, you know what forget it. Just leave me alone. Ill talk to you later. Right now, I have nothing more to give. Jared's eyes sparkle with more tears welling up. Not wanting to deal with anything any longer, Jared walks away from Jensen. It was like he couldn't say anything right. He would try, even if it blew up in his face after. Jensen turns around, seeing Jared's back to him, moving further and further away. As a last ditch effort, Jensen as calmly as he could manage, "You quitting the show?" Jensen noticed, looking for the first time, he had a tremble in his hands. He looks back at Jared and sees that Jared stopped walking away. Jared turns his head slightly so Jensen can see the right side of Jared's face, he sees Jared's closed eye opening, and he says, "At long last, you giving up on me. I knew it would be a matter of time. Quitting the show never even entered mt mind." Jared's eyes close again as he continues, "Though, maybe I should." Shrugging his shoulders,opening his eyes, Jared continues his decent out of the park and away from Jensen. 


	4. Before And After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's silence is driving Jensen mad. He knows he's the reason behind it, but it gets an idea to fix things. Moving along with the idea, Jensen hopes he came up with the idea in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, this is a work of fiction. Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are their own man and only used in my story for entertainment purposes. I am working on this tale alone, so it is unbeta'd. All spelling and grammar errors are mine. I received no monetary/non-monetary payments from this work.

Jensen knew if Jared got away from him this time, he would probably lose everything. He wasn't actually worried about filming for the show. The only thing he worried about was making sure that the absolutely most beautiful person in his life believes that he cares for him and that Jared believed him. He needed Jared to know that he would never give up on him. Jensen also knew he was a hard man to be with. He knew that he couldn't articulate his feelings or what was going through his mind like others can. That was one of the first things Jensen saw in Jared that helped snare him in Jared's web. Well, that and his beauty from the inside out. Jared was one of the only people that had seen right through Jensen, knew that the hardened exterior was kept to keep others at arms length, and that is where they stayed. Jensen knew what he wanted to say, he knew the words, and he could put everything together perfectly. Jared was the only person without even trying, had gotten through his walls. Jensen has tried to tell Jared as much, but, every time he tried, the delivery from brain to mouth ends up making a wide left turn into Idiotville. As it looks right now, Jensen was saying and thinking things about Jared instead of actually saying them to him. He needed to change that, and change it quickly. Each passing moment Jared spent alone, was precious seconds that Jared could convince himself that being with Jensen, the way things were, was a bad idea, and that breaking things off was his only option. Jensen started to feel nauseous at that very thought, and fought the flip in his stomach that threatened to bring up the measly amount of food along with the bile that was in his stomach. 

 

Within a span of a few moments, the gorgeous 6'5" man of Jensen's life has disappeared, walked right out of it. Almost like Jared hadn't even been in the same vicinity as Jensen. He felt as if everything he's worked for was for nothing, and this time, nothing would stop the contents of Jensen's stomach from making a repeat visit. Jensen fell to his knees and retched, and continued to dry heave until he was ready to almost pass out. Slowly as the dry heaves subsided, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve by running his arm across his mouth. When Jensen looked down, he saw pieces on his sleeve that made him dry heave one last time. Jensen pulled his shirt up to his eyes to wipe away his tears so he could get his bearings together, and remember where he was at. Jensen took slow breaths to calm himself down. Though his heart was breaking in two, his body was still responding slow breaths technique. His vision had cleared so he could take in his surroundings. The surroundings provided him the same as they did before; same gorgeous landscape, but still, no Jared.

 

Jared walked aimlessly around trying to quell the rage inside of him. Trying to not let everything going on wreck him anymore than it already has. Jared remembers all those years ago when things were new, remembers feeling and telling Jensen that he would do whatever it took so they could be together.  _How things have spun out of control. I don't want the secret anymore, I want the publicized memory. Why am I not enough? I have to be one of the biggest losers in the world. Can't handle anything._ As if his body was agreeing with him, Jared's legs gave out. Falling to the ground, tears gathered in his eyes, and with no one around to worry about seeing him breakdown, he lets the tears fall. Once the tears start, they weren't stopping. Jared never thought he had this many tears to cry. The thought not really helping, his tears continue streaming down his face. Jared between his hiccuping, asks to noone in particular, "Why do people love to see me suffer? I try to be a nice person, and this is what I'm given." All Jared wants to do right now is give up, he wants to sleep and not wake up, or at least sleep without nightmares. Sleep without always seeing the constant disappoint on Jensen's face. Thoughts of Jensen bring a new round of tears. He hates fighting with Jensen, he wants nothing more than to just take him and cuddle up to him. He also is still very very pissed at the fact that through all of this, Jensen wont show any emotion. Any emotion whether good or bad, he wanted something. At least a smirk, a tear, something. Jared knew it wasn't coming. When Jensen wanted to, he could be stoic to an agonizing fault. Sometimes Jared wished he could be like Jensen in moments like this, where he didn't cry at the drop of a hat. _Or however that saying goes,_ Jared thought bitterly. Right now, Jared knew he can't keeping hiding out where he was. He just didn't feel the strength to get moving.  _Falling apart out here isn't' a good idea. Where the hell did I end up? Alright Padalecki, you need to get back to filming, put this shit on the back burner and get work done._ Jared stood up brushed his hands off using them as a napkin. Running a hand down his face to wipe away the evidence of his crying, he decided enough was enough. Also he knew at this point, that he needed to get back to set. Jared used his shirt to wipe his face and clean off his hands. With a semi-arranged plan, Jared looked around to get his bearings together walks back towards the area of set. Thinking about how he was going to get back to set gave him some reprieve, having to think of something else helped quiet the thoughts. 

 

Coming to the edge of the park, Jared cursed at himself for leaving the phone at the trailer. _The technology of the cellphone was a blessing and a curse_ , Jared thought. Jared looked around and sees the different people mulling around, living their day, in their own worlds, Jared feels a small flicker of jealousy. For the people who can be themselves, being able to fall apart, and being able to get themselves back together. Jared notices a woman around his age or a little older, looking at her phone like she's praying for it to ring or alert her of something from someone. Again, Jared looks around and sees that there isn't anyone else that can help him, walks up to the woman, and says, "Excuse me, I know you are probably....." he was cut off by her sudden intake of breath, and her shock, "Oh, oh, you.....you are, you're....Ja, Ja, you....." the woman couldn't finish her sentence, practically hyperventilating while trying to talk.

 

"Hi, yes, I'm Jared Padelecki. Take a breath sweetie, if you dont, you'll pass out. Please dont pass out on me."

 

"But, but, you, you, you're, I can't even..." The girl continuing to not be able to form a complete sentence.

 

"Please for me, breathe in, breathe out. Can you do that for me? In, then out. Breathe in, then breathe out." Jared mimics the instructions to show her to breathe normally for her benefit, but performing the breathing exercises helped to calm him down from the events of earlier. Surprisingly Jared felt better than he had at the beginning of the day. "Ok, can you tell me your name? Or what I could call you?" Jared asked calmly. Jared noticed the girl slowly relaxing, but still looking like a caged animal. Before Jared could ask anything more, the girl started to speak.

 

"I'm Irene, Ire, for short, well my friends call me that." Ire responded, not looking at Jared but down at her shoes.

 

"Hey Ire, I didn't mean to startle you, but I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor?" Jared questioned.

 

"You didn't startle me, I've never really met a real celebrity before. You, and, and, I, well I watch your show, and I just didn't know how to act." Ire looked away, embarrassed.  

 

Jared's expression softened, and he noticed that Ire's demeanor still showed that of a caged animal, as if she would run at any moment. He tried one more time, "Ire, I ran out myself, and without my phone. I need to get a hold of a cab so I can go back to the studio. Can I please, please, can I borrow yours?" 

 

Ire noticeably started to relax, a little. She takes a deep breath, and after her exhale, she looks up at Jared, instead of looking at her shoes, and says, "Why didn't you say so? I take my walks around the park, but need to drive here. I don't live around here, but love the scenery." Jared gives a small chuckle because, as he heart breaks a little more, he can relate. Jared is taken out of his memories by Ire speaking to him again, " Um, I can give you a ride back. Cabs are way too expensive, I know that from experience. So, if you want that ride we better get going, right? You need to get back to work?" Ire asked innocently and without any malice, intended or not. Jared chuckled soundless as if there wasn't a million and one different things going on at once, AT the studio, because of the studio. Jared inwardly rolls his eyes, and mutters, "If you only knew." Ire hears Jared speaking and turns to look at him, "You say something?" Jared chuckles again, because if he doesn't chuckle, he's going to cry. "No, I was just muttering things to myself. Also, Ire, I can't ask you to go out of your way to take me back to the studio. I know that the cabs aren't the cheapest mode of transportation, but its one of the quickest, and that way, I'm not putting you out."

 

Ire nodded, looking at Jared again and handed over her cellphone, eyes glazing over. "Go ahead, phone's unlocked." She replied with a toneless voice, almost as if someone else said it for her. She was sure that she didn't touch Jared, that she didn't crowd his space.Ire walked towards the tree closest to her, and leaned on it, her back, rear and legs resting on the tree until she got her phone back. Providing Jared with privacy. Ire turns in a desperate move to get away. Jared realizes he could have said it a little nicer, and makes sure to thank her sincerely. Walking closer to her, Jared says reassuringly, "Thank you Ire, you don't know how much I appreciate this. Even though you may see me on the tv, you don't know me from anything. Thank you for letting me do this. I will only be a few moments, okay?"

 

"Of course, I'll be over here. Take your time, I know what you said before, but, my offer still stands." Ire offers a small smile over to Jared and moves away from the tree she was leaning on, and making sure she is far enough away that Jared won't think she is easedropping on his call. 

 

Pressing the home home button on Ire's phone, Jared is greeted with a sight that makes his heart clench. Staring back at him is the photo he took with Jensen for the  _Rouge_ interview they did with Misha. He remembers that photo, that whole shoot, where the pictures of him and Jensen in that one interview spoke of his and Jensen's lives better than anything else ever. He gazes lovingly at the pose, when his hand is on Jensen's side, standing behind him. Like he was telling him that I will always have your back. He remembers the other photos that were taken that day, where he and Jensen were on opposite sides of a door. How the quote the magazine used resonated so deeply. Some of the words coming back to him, ' _having the world by the balls....'_ Jared closes his eyes as new tears fall, but shakes them off, shaking his head, like it would clear everything away. Trying to find his voice, he tries to call Ire, but unintelligible sounds escape his throat. Jared clears his throats to try again, "Hey Ire? Can you come here a second?" This time, Ire hears him and comes over, "Yes? Are you all done?" She asks innocently. 

 

"Can I ask you something personal?" Jared says with a little more emotion behind it. 

 

"Sure, but I don't know what you would want to...." she stops when Jared holds up the phone that shows her the home screen picture. With a quirk of one eyebrow, questioning, "What, or I was wondering why this pic would be your home screen pic?" Jared questions, the question asked with sincerity.

 

Ire looks down and away, her emotions getting the best of her, this time the tears fall and fall fast.  _Great, he's gonna think I'm some lunatic that ships all the time._ Ira thinks bitterly. Ira takes a deep breath, exhales, and prepares for Jared to be disgusted with her. She looks away, off into the distance, and says, "that photo shoot was such an amazing thing to see. I know you know of fan picture manipulations, called manips? I know you know what I mean, so when those pics come out, that one on my phone and the one where it looks like you are trying to say so much to Jensen, but the door is closed, your hand is pleading out to him. If you see that pic, Jensen's face is turned towards you, like he can hear your heartbreak, like your pleading with him to always be with him, it spoke to me." Ire explained, more tears finding their way down her face. "I'm sorry Jared but you and Jensen are....I believe.....I feel like, like, you and Jensen are soulmates." Ire openly starts to sob, and looks at Jared, pleading, "please don't laugh at me, I can't deal with it. You can think whatever you want, because I know when you get back to work, you'll go back to your life and do your thing. I just can't take one of the two guys I really look up to and admire laughing at me." Ire pleads. 

 

Jared stands there awestruck, hearing the words he's said to himself plenty of times being said back to him is an experience he will never forget. Jared opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by another plea from Ire, "I promise, I'll never speak of it again, I'm sorry I embarrassed you. If you need to make your call and get away from me I will understand."

 

Jared couldn't believe his ears. He quickly found his voice, "No sweetie, that's not it at all, everything you said about that photoshoot, it was almost like everything I've thought. It was true. Not many people know, we have things set a certain way, not everyone is as accepting as you and a few others. We couldn't make waves, be ourselves, but you're right, I met my soulmate when I walked into the   _'Supernatural_ audition over a decade ago." When Jared finished speaking, looking at Ire, he suddenly realized he had tears streaming down his face.

 

"Oh Jared, I'm so, I don't know what to say. I have to tell you, we support you, support Jensen, everything you....but, there are so many of...." Ire didn't finish, Jared finished it for her, "there's many of you who think Jensen and I are together secretly, right?" Jared chuckled. Though through his chuckle, he thinks back to the last conversation he had with Jensen not that long ago. Bittersweet, and longing, he knows that as usual, all good things come to an end. Watching Ire with this unbiased strength and support, Jared wouldn't let her in on what is going on. Keeping the line going, he tried to clear his throat, to clear the lump in his throat at the thought that he was on his own, Jared asked again if he could borrow her phone to make a call. "Are you sure you don't mind? Dropping me off at the studio? I am going to call them and let them know I'm on my way back there." 

 

"Of course I can, make your call, I will head out and bring my car around. It should give you time to make your call." Ire said and walked away from Jared in search of her car. Jared took a deep breath, looked at the home screen photo once more, a feeling of opportunities missed sweeping over him. Jared cleared the screen and made the call to the studio. The studio seemed relieved and excited that he was found and on his way back. Jared walked back to the gate and waited for Ire to return. Jared found himself thinking back through the events of the last few days. Bringing Jensen to the forefront of everything he did. A small blessing seemed to befall him; Ire didn't give him much time to think, he hears her car pulling up, and walks over. Jared is silently relieved that it doesn't take long, his mind, while he's not actively working on a task at hand, automatically goes back to him and Jensen. Those thoughts he cant trust right now. Getting back to the studio actually sounds like a great idea right now, Jared can use all the distraction he can get. Getting back to work and going from there is a start he can manage. Working with Jensen, is a different story. One thing at a time, he remembers, one thing at a time. He should have known, that one thing at a time, may just let everything else fall apart.     


	5. Stepping Aside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What had been dubbed "bad idea" has its consequences, and will it be the final straw that breaks it all down?

 Jensen never drove so fast back to the studio. As soon as he got the phone call from Phil saying that Jared spoke with one of the PA's, it was like a damn open up. He wanted to jump for joy, he wanted to be able to teleport to the studio, and he wished that every car that seemed to know he was in a hurry would get the hell out of his way. After what felt like an eternity, but was only about twenty minutes, Jensen finds himself in front of the studio. He turns in, and parks into the first empty place he can find to place his car. Shutting the car off, Jensen gets out, slams the door closed, and makes his way back to where Jared is at. Jensen figures that Jared made it back before him, so Jensen is off in search of the world wind that is Jared Padalecki. 

 

 _Come on man, where the hell are you?_ Jensen wonders, Jensen looks back and forth at anywhere that Jared might be. Jensen turns and sees Craft Services, and notices one of the Tech Coordinators, Trev, and starts to question about Jared, "Hey Trev, you see Jared around?" Jensen asks. Trev, who has been with the show for some time minutely looks down. If Jensen had not known Trev for as long as he did, he may have missed the quick look down. Jensen presses on, suddenly not liking the drop his stomach does. "Trev, what is it? I am looking for Jared. Have you seen him or not?"

 

"No, I haven't seen him, but, I was...um I was in the office when he called in. When I was working through today's scene runs with the director, and I overheard people talking about Jared. I don't like getting into stupid gossip roundups, but, according to what I heard, theres talk of Jared leaving the show. I didn't mention anything of what I'm telling you to anyone. I don't do the gossip mills or start crap that isn't my business. From the way people were speaking, Jared didn't look like his normal self, I don't know what, but it was almost like, a....uh, I cant describe it." Trev said. Jensen took in all Trev told him, and on top of he's been dealing with, he is truly getting scared. All types of red flags, internal bells and internal shouts of  _"WARNING, WARNING!!"_

Jensen turned to get back into his car, but, within his peripheral vision, a movement caused him to turn and Jensen saw Jared looking at him with an expression he didn't know how to describe. Jared looked as if his heart was ripped out. Jensen had made a promise to himself that he wouldn't be the person to ever put a look like that on Jared. Jensen knew without a doubt that he was the cause of such hurt. 

 

"Jare..." Jensen started to say, and the sound of Jensen's voice must have woken Jared up out of his daze, because it seemed that he finally saw Jensen standing in front of him. Jensen saw the trapped animal expression Jared now was wearing on his face. 

 

"Yeah, hey. Gotta get going. Don't want to keep you from, whatever." Jared moved, moving himself further away from Jensen. Jensen noticed that Jared wasn't running away from him, but his steps were quick. Jensen also knew Jared didn't want to be around him. Jensen's heart broke a little more. 

 

"I'm actually looking for you Jared, where have you been? I've been worried sick." Jensen tried to show Jared that he meant what he said, and attempted to reach out for Jared. He needed to touch him, show him, make him believe he wanted nothing more than Jared in his life. All too quickly Jared moved out of Jensen's grasp, and proceeded to head back to his trailer. "Jared, please wait. I wanted to talk to you. I think there's been a mistake." Jensen put a little pleading into his voice. 

 

"What? So I can hear all of the excuses of why you are doing whats best for you? That I can hear why things are so freaking hard for you? I'm not interested anymore." Jared's voice chocked up at the end, and Jensen saw Jared's breathing hitched. "Please, just leave me alone, I wont bother you, I wont plead for you to do things that I want or may need. I learned my lesson the hard way." 

 

Jensen was stunned silent. Did Jared _really_ feel like Jensen had put Jared second to others? Not caring about how he felt?  _Has he really given up on us and everything we've been through?_ Jared noticed that Jensen's demeanor changed and that he was still silent. When Jared was going to mention something more, Jensen spoke first. Jared noticed that Jensen had somehow switched into Dean's persona where his face gave nothing away. Though it broke everything inside him, Jensen conceded defeat, "If that's what you want. I won't, you know....yeah.....I'll....just, um....catch up with you later."

 

"You pussy." Jared said, voice almost devoid of all emotion. Jensen had intended to walk away from Jared, but the last thing that he expected to hear was that he was a pussy, and that it would be Jared who says it to him. By the time Jensen registered anything, Jared disappeared, again. Left alone with nothing but himself, and his thoughts, he let the tears fall. There wasn't anyone around to care if he cried or not, and if there were, Jensen no longer gave a shit.


End file.
